Let's Talk About Love

Just a warning. I'm typing this blind so forgive any mistakes. A young homothug can't see lmfao.

So I've been working on myself as it pertains to romantic relationships. I desire one, but I feel like I'm never ready. Or something. Idk. I've just been really resistant and insecure. For the longest I've told myself that in order to find/have true love, I have to have my entire life together. I really hate how I"m starting this post, but I'm not going to take anything away. Let me just dive into the meat of what I came across today.

I don't have to do it on my own... I've been trying to clean up/fix all of my relationship issues on my own and I'm just now starting to realize that I don't have to. Funny enough, it took God throwing a mirror at me and saying "Dude, you're so willing to give your all to somebody. Don't you think there's sombody just as willing to give their all to you? Don't you think that you can be loved just as much as you're willing to love someone else?" and right now I'm hearing "Stop pouring that particular brand of love into people who aren't reciprocating. It's okay to hang on to that love until it's time."

The point is, I truly do love myself, deeply. But at some point, I got it stuck in my mind that the only way for me to be happy in a romantic relationship is for me to do all of the work and for me to give all of the love and refuse it from someone else. It's kind of mind-blowing how willing I am to just pour into someone.

Sidenote: I'm at a place now where me pouring into someone doesn't necessarily involve depleting myself. I take care of myself, first, and then I'm able to pour the overflow into someone else.

Right, so it's kind of mind-blowing how immediately ready I am to pour into someone and yet I refuse to allow someone else to pour into me. I've been asking for one-sided situationships and didn't even realize it.

Either way, God had to let me pick up my face because I refused to understand that relationships can be -- and if they're healthy, ARE-- of mutual benefit. One person doesn't have to do all the investing while the other reaps the rewards.. Where's the fun in that. Besides, knowing that like attracts like, it would only make sense that I attract someone who's just as eager and excited to love and understand and support someone as I am.

I've just been refusing to let them enter into my life. I've been trying to give myself all the answers and be perfect this whole time when it probably wouldn't hurt to be in a situation where we can strengthen each others' weaknesses.

Now, I'm not totally sure if this made sense but it's all kind of rolling in right now. I might have more thoughts in the morning... Or at least thoughts that make more sense.