So I guess I'm writing now.

Okay, let me be straight up. I really don't wanna fucking write but God is nagging the shit out of me. I hate writing on public forums because I feel this compulsion to word things just right so that everyone is happy and I don't ruffle feathers. It's just who I am. A chronic people pleaser. Furthermore I'm always scared of someone or someones that I know stumbling across this and suddenly discovering that I'm not this sweet, innocent, uptight, conservative that I've unfortunately been trained to be around people. Only my closest friends know that I'm always looking to expand my horizons and discard anything that just doesn't suit me anymore. Okay, or just any friends I have outside of my parents direct knowledge of them.

Which is kind of aggravating in and of itself. I hate visiting certain family members because I'm really just over a lot of the conversation and thinking that happens at these gatherings. I'm a potty mouth gay dude who literally doesn't have a problem with it. I feel no need to hide it. I am a fierce fan of drinking entire bottles of wine while laughing and dancing til bed time. I have so. many. questions. about the bible and why christians behave the way they do, but I still believe in God and Jesus. I've, for a while, tried to fit myself into some sort of mold but I'm finding more and more that it's too much work. I like who I am. I don't like that I have to tone it down because I'd rather tone it down than start conflict for no reason. Mostly because if I allow myself to flip that switch, there's no turning back. Hiding the fullness of who I am aggravates me. And yet that's what I do. If anything annoys the shit out of me, it's the fact that I am not living authentically 100% of the time. Especially because I like my authentic self. I like being excited, energetic, fun-loving, and happy and I love all the nuances that come with it. My vulgar language, my inability to be bothered by a lot of shit, more like my openness to other people's lives good and "bad."

If only you knew how annoying it is to be talking about wine and having to hear the subtle judgement from my mom every. single. fucking. time. Idk why she can't get over the fact that I enjoy drinking. I guess my thing is I was raised well. I know how to be responsible. I'm still alive and I'm happy and I just don't get why that doesn't seem like enough. In my mind, when it comes to my friends and family.. people in general, really. I don't really give a fuck what you're doing as long as you're happy and it doesn't put others at risk. And I wish we were all able to just live our lives being happy and minding our own business instead of worrying about everyone else's.

So there. I wrote. I'll probably write more as the days and weeks progress. Not necesserily because I want to, but because God is going to annoy the shit out of me if I don't. Which makes no sense. I'm just tryna live my best life and be happy. Anyways. Enjoy my videos. I'm a bit angry this time around but that's because I have a whole lot of other shit going on as well. Honestly. How is it possible to be completely joyous and utterly discouraged at the same time? Cuz that's where I am. So if I seem simultaneously hateful (hyperbole) and lighthearted (accurate). Yes.

Also listen. This blog is ugly and I'm usually supermegaoverprimeconcerned with how my shit looks but fuck it. You guys are getting an ugly blog until I somehow find a way to de-uglify it. And idk what to tell you, man. It's likely this blog will never grow a viewer base so I at least have that going for me. But the point is this, I'm shit at making anything other than bodies look pretty. Or maybe I'm not and I just don't feel like or want to edit this blog's appearance because the content is more important. Or something. Shit, idk. Again, it was supposed to be purely a space for all of my dance videos to be located but God be doing shit and I just follow along at this point. Although I am realllllllyyyyyy getting over the whole "he only speaks to me when I'm officially irritated and exhausted" thing. I'm totally okay with him speaking to me.. or at least me accurately hearing him BEFORE I get to this point.

Much Love, Peace, and Joy.

tfpob