Queso I fucked myself up.

I heard a song about 2 or 3 weeks ago. Maybe. Idk. It was after I posted the last post... I think. The point is, as I choreographed in my head to it, I started feeling things that I generally don't work to feel but for some reason I was letting it happen. Kay, to put it more frankly and less vaguely, I got into the habit of keeping my choreography on the lighter end of things because I feel like I do too much to try and convey the heavier side of things.

If I'm truly being honest, it makes me uncomfortable to give people access to my less than exciting side. Likely because I've rarely been met with what I needed when I'm experiencing my lows. I have a history of being in a low point and discovering that nearly everyone around me wanted nothing to do with me. In fact, they'd generally either push me away, outright ignore me, or somehow turn me into a villain. Very few people can see me like I see them. Meaning, recognizing their humanness and loving them period. Allowing myself to be a source of comfort for folks when they need it, caring so very much for humans in general that I (almost by nature) just catch on to when someone isn't feeling good and see if there's anything I can do to help.

I've only ever had ONE person kind of "spit me back in my face" lol. In a good way. He just asked me a question that I'd normally ask anyone else when I can tell that they aren't okay. THE POINT IS. I've grown uncomfortable with sharing the darker moments of my experience due to the fact that I somehow constantly wound up alone (re: abandoned) by folks claiming to be my friend. Truth of the matter was I was just the entertainment and the go to for when someone didn't feel good and needed a pick-me-up. Not that it's a complete problem. It would have just been nice to have at least ONE person make me feel as comfortable as I inexplicably make others feel. I think. That may have changed as of late, I been spending a lot of time by myself NOT on purpose lmfao.

So yea, since listening to that song and the feel for the choreography poured into my soul, I haven't quite been emotionally okay. And by "haven't quite been emotionally okay" I mean, "I suddenly feel compelled to start addressing my darker moments again when I dance." It's like I'm constantly writing down ideas and concepts now for future things I'd like to work on that push me to a place that I'd since thought I'd left alone. But here I am.

Lol, like it's so bad that the muse has cut me off from exploring and investigating other choreography until I get myself through this particular song. This is not the first time that has happened. I'll never exactly know WHY this happens, but I do know that the only way to get through it is to just do what the muse told me to so I can get back to operating normally. And I'm frustrated because I don't want to do it because it's uncomfortable. But maybe I can challenge myself to be vulnerable for 3:30-4 minutes or something.

Blockage.

So today was an off day and I honestly couldn't really put my finger on why. Things are actually starting to look up. Like, I'm pretty sure I took several positive steps forward today energetically. But it's been hard to take my vibrational temperature today. I've been very numb to and disconnected from my intuition and just my feelings overall. It's pretty much just felt like a brick all day and yet I still believe that had I chosen to carry my crystals with me, my body would have been like "keep them shits where they at today."

The point is, I've been incredibly blocked today even after receiving some positive news that will hopefully get my financial ball rolling again. I got several positive newses on that front, actually. Yet, the block has been in full effect all day and I've been unable to get around it. The secret to that, though, is that I just accepted that there wasn't any getting around it today. Sometimes I'm just not feeling it.. or anything, and it's easier for me to just honor that rather than try to unsuccessfully force my way through it. I know the things that I can work/massage my way through and the things that are simply there and that's gone be what it is until it's not anymore.. Today's state of being was the latter.

And even with all of that, I believe that this is a good indicator that I'm making progress in manifesting some of the things that I want. I'm allowing myself to believe that this period, for however long it lasts, is my energy/vibration dumping out a bunch of negative/unhealthy/toxic shit that I've had anchored into my field for far too long. I'm allowing myself to look at it as that dump is backed up and so my energy's gotta do what it's gotta do to declog and allow everything to flow where it needs to go so as to improve my life. The only route that can be taken as my negative energy purges itself is one of positivity and upward momentum.

Lol to think that I wasn't going to write tonight. I almost didn't. But then I lit some palo santo and enjoyed a popsicle, and God spoke a lil sumn sumn.

Breathing Positivity.

With each breath I take and each day that passes, I allow myself to ease into a better and better life. More fun, more joy, more enthusiasm, more love, more peace, more radiance, more power, more strength, more gentleness, more liveliness, more jubilee, more celebration, more happy for the sake of being happy. Freeing myself of anything that even sort of bogs me down. Allowing myself to easily levitate, vibrate, and float higher and higher. More carefree. Knowing that God's got me in the midst of all of this. Amen.

Starting tonight and starting right now.

I'm allowing myself to move forward. I'm giving myself permission to move upward. I'm allowing myself to be a magnet for all of the things that I've been wanting and too ashamed/apprehensive to ask for. I'm allowing myself to get swept up in the wind and let it carry me to new heights of fun, joy, love, peace, and positivity.

I give myself permission to experience new, exciting, and unfamiliar things. I give myself permission to shamelessly thing big, loud, and proud. I'm allowing myself to allow all of my dreams to come true and STILL blow my mind. I'm freeing myself of "the right way" and "the only way." I'm freeing myself of the idea that I "have to be 'ready'" to receive everything I want. The only proof of readiness needed is having it.

I'm allowing myself be in the thick of living my best life. I'm allowing myself to let my biggest, wildest dreams and miracles come together with ease. I'm giving myself permission to keep my focus onward and upward. I'm allowing myself to go and be somewhere new. I'm giving myself permission to enjoy being young and single. There is so much power and potential in being young and single. I can literally up and move on a whim as much as possible, if I want. I'm not bound to any one place or person, meaning that I'm free to go everywhere and meet everyone until I decide I want to settle down.

I'm giving myself full permission and full allowance to be unbound, free, limitless, and full of love, joy, enthusiasm, energy, and peace. My focus is forward. My movement is forward and upward. Constantly and consistently. I give myself full permission and full allowance to live my best life and ONLY my best life.