Queso I fucked myself up.

I heard a song about 2 or 3 weeks ago. Maybe. Idk. It was after I posted the last post... I think. The point is, as I choreographed in my head to it, I started feeling things that I generally don't work to feel but for some reason I was letting it happen. Kay, to put it more frankly and less vaguely, I got into the habit of keeping my choreography on the lighter end of things because I feel like I do too much to try and convey the heavier side of things.

If I'm truly being honest, it makes me uncomfortable to give people access to my less than exciting side. Likely because I've rarely been met with what I needed when I'm experiencing my lows. I have a history of being in a low point and discovering that nearly everyone around me wanted nothing to do with me. In fact, they'd generally either push me away, outright ignore me, or somehow turn me into a villain. Very few people can see me like I see them. Meaning, recognizing their humanness and loving them period. Allowing myself to be a source of comfort for folks when they need it, caring so very much for humans in general that I (almost by nature) just catch on to when someone isn't feeling good and see if there's anything I can do to help.

I've only ever had ONE person kind of "spit me back in my face" lol. In a good way. He just asked me a question that I'd normally ask anyone else when I can tell that they aren't okay. THE POINT IS. I've grown uncomfortable with sharing the darker moments of my experience due to the fact that I somehow constantly wound up alone (re: abandoned) by folks claiming to be my friend. Truth of the matter was I was just the entertainment and the go to for when someone didn't feel good and needed a pick-me-up. Not that it's a complete problem. It would have just been nice to have at least ONE person make me feel as comfortable as I inexplicably make others feel. I think. That may have changed as of late, I been spending a lot of time by myself NOT on purpose lmfao.

So yea, since listening to that song and the feel for the choreography poured into my soul, I haven't quite been emotionally okay. And by "haven't quite been emotionally okay" I mean, "I suddenly feel compelled to start addressing my darker moments again when I dance." It's like I'm constantly writing down ideas and concepts now for future things I'd like to work on that push me to a place that I'd since thought I'd left alone. But here I am.

Lol, like it's so bad that the muse has cut me off from exploring and investigating other choreography until I get myself through this particular song. This is not the first time that has happened. I'll never exactly know WHY this happens, but I do know that the only way to get through it is to just do what the muse told me to so I can get back to operating normally. And I'm frustrated because I don't want to do it because it's uncomfortable. But maybe I can challenge myself to be vulnerable for 3:30-4 minutes or something.