I'm gonna be honest. I'm questioning what it is that I really want from life all of a sudden. Do I even want a large following? I know I want to dance. I know I want to make a significant positive change in media. But this youtube/IG shit just feels like I'm trying too hard. It doesn't feel like I'm being myself. It's like I've completely let go of allowing myself to just flow. Like I don't trust that my path has already lit itself up specifically so that I can accomplish all of the things I want to accomplish. And idk that I feel like a fraud. I just feel like I'm trying too hard.
I know the goals I have and that hasn't changed. I know the kind of life I want to live. But perhaps there's something missing that I haven't stumbled across. I just know I don't want to do anything that feels like I'm trying too hard. And right now, Youtube and Instagram feels like trying too hard. Or maybe it feels "too normal." Maybe trying to "get noticed" or build a following through blogging, fb, ig, and youtube aren't as outlandish as my life has been so far concerning my journey through dance.
I praise danced with my step mom for yeeeaaaaars, and then I kinda danced for school functions my junior and senior year in high school. Stumbled across the joys of Modern and Ballet as a result and started using up all of my electives on dance classes when I got to college and joined the college's dance company and committed fully to them for about 3 years. Went to school for dance but quickly fell off yet found myself learning under the same teacher I had my first year up until I up and decided to move to SC with my uncle.
Idk. I just. I didn't grow up in a dance studio from the age of 5 or whatever. I started at 18. Most of my experience is in performing but I've been learning technique over the years and so far I've had teachers be surprised at the way I move for me to be dancing for just 6.5 years. Well, 4 or 5 at the time of talking to them. But I still just suddenly feel like something's missing. Like I'm close to my "true path" so to speak.. But not quite on it. Idk.
I enjoyed doing #Drunkeography and honestly nothing else is going to add up to that. I'm finding myself wanting less and less to use social media to promote myself. And I don't know that I feel bad about that decision at all. Maybe I've just been constantly hearing stories of how you have to put yourself out there and promote yourself or you'll never be seen. But what my mom told me last night is that when I'm performing, I look like I'm having fun and everyone else enjoys it as a result. Why can't I be seen for having fun? Why do I have to stress myself out trying to create and post on a regular basis so I can hit numbers and bla bla bla? Why can't I just have fun and let my goals and dreams come to me on their own?
And why am I asking these questions as if I can't actually just go ahead and do that?
But then the question... well, nevermind. I was going to ask if maybe a part of me was scared to promote myself but that just isn't the case. Putting pressure on myself to promote this or that just isn't fun. I don't like to plan things. I just like to do them and catch them and enjoy it. Which is likely why I enjoyed #drunkeography so much. It was just me dancing candidly and freely and discovering that there were some parts of that night that I liked.
Idk man. I just wanna do what feels good. And I guess the best solution is to just keep switching it up until I find something that feels good and doesn't feel like stress. Because I don't like stressing. Any time I put stress or pressure on myself, I lock up and I quit flowing. And I like feeling like that.
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