I'm a piece of tipsy and I'm blindish cuz I took my contacts out. But I've suddenly found myself thinking about myself in the context of relationships. I've done a lot of work to not be so scared of them anymore. But I think I'm scared of myself within the context of them. I think I'm too much work. I think I'm impossible to figure out and I try to overcompensate by being too agreeable. I overcompensate by just going along with anything whether I'm feeling it or not, just to convince myself that I'm not difficult.
Thing is, I truly believe that deep down inside, I'm not too hard to deal with and yet I keep reinforcing belief of the opposite. That I'm a handful. That I'm not easy to get along with. That I'm too nuanced and nobody gets me. And I wish I could fix that. At least, I'd like to fix that. I'm not SO complex that I can't manage to be a part of a healthy, well-functioning relationship.
I don't even know where to start, though. I do know that I seem to find myself believing some ridiculous shit about myself as a romantic partner and it's just not worth putting all of that excess effort into it anymore. And if it's not me thinking I'M difficult, it's me thinking guys are difficult. I've really gotta reasses some of my beliefs and give myself a more balanced and realistic understanding of this stuff.
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