Gentleness.

I've become hardened. I've become aggressive. And it permeates throughout every aspect of my everyday life. From how aggressively strict I am on myself in class. To how aggressively focused I am on relaxing (chew on that for a bit). I've just become... Tough. But not "thick skin" tough. More like "overcooked steak" tough. More like my thick skin IS overcooked steak.

When I teach class I'm aggressive. When I'm seeking answers to something I'm researching I'm aggressively focused. I'm not sure if I've always been that aggressive or if it's the result of nurture. I see so much violence. Not necessarily physical violence, but verbal violence, mental violence, energetic violence and I've absorbed my share of it as a result.

When I'm taught to fight and fight and argue. When "stand your ground" translates to "push back" rather than "don't move." How do you not become hardened? You spend so much time around people who aggressively communicate their point, not to say it's not meant in love, but it does make it harder to receive. The point is, whether it's nature, nurture, or a mix; I'm reminded that I can do whatever I want to get closer to joy. And I think my aggressive phase is over.

I'm tired of draining myself by being aggressively angry about things. I'm tired of cussing folks out. I'm tired of being so aggressively irritated or irate. I do have patience. But I'm tired of being aggressively patient. So I won't be too upset about having to wait or something, but I'll sit around and complain "because it's fun." Which it is. But I'd like to start carrying my speech and myself to a much more gentle and receptive place. I'm just. I'm worn out from being aggressive is all. I'd like to try gentleness out for a change.

I believe I can still be strong, firm, assertive, and unmoveable while being gentle. I'm just tired of all of the aggression. There's enough of that circulating, I'd rather not contribute to it any longer.