Double Take

Okay y'all. I actually need to talk about my life problems real quick. And it's not so much that they're actual problems. I've just got a lot of shit on my mind and I need to sort my thoughts out. So my car is officially the pits, which was expected. But as a result of being told "I wouldn't put anymore money into it." by the mechanic, I'm living in Tallahassee again. Now, I don't have a problem with that, I'm just frustrated that I can't be up in SC with my uncle getting all of that amazing training. And I'd just gotten into the groove of taking both modern and ballet class. It's probably for the best, though, because I have been freaking out about money and getting a job and down here is the best place for it to happen. But I'm stuck here til I save up and buy a car.

That being said, I still have to keep up a strict training regimen until I can get back up to SC. I also have to find a job, sell my car to the junkyard, get my insurance cancelled, find a better phone so I can stop looking at a cracked screen, and enjoy my life. I haven't worked out today and my body is demanding that I do so, so I can't tell it "no" because that won't end well. I'm still tired from this busy weekend. I kind of want a social life and a love life. I'm trying to make sure I'm working for myself in the near future. I've got a data science curriculum to start and complete WHILE working and honestly I could just go for a smooth $10,000 miracle. But I don't mind getting my shit together. I've at least got the comfort of my friends and family and a place with ample job options.

I just want a break. I wish I could balance all of this easier lol. I don't want to juggle. I want to balance. Easily. But I feel like I'm juggling. I've literally collectively spent at least an hour or two walking in circles today. And I do that everyday. And that's frustrating because I could be doing things. I just want everything to fall into alignment and I don't know where to start because my energy won't just focus on ONE thing. It focuses on EVERYTHING at once. It's frustrating. And my day today fell wayyy behind. But I'm past the point of going "fuck it" and going to sleep. Now I want to actually do the things I told myself I want to accomplish because it's important to me that I do so.

And I'm not sure why, but I'm emotionally all over the place. I can't figure out why I'm having such a hard time settling down but prayerfully I will soon. I feel like I haven't actually allowed myself to be angry or frustrated about not being up in South Carolina but it kind of actually super sucks. I'd much rather be up there using coffee shop wifi while having unlimited access to a dance studio and getting superior training from my uncle than be down here. Not that down here sucks. It's just. It's a setback. Or not that. It just feels like I'm putting pause on all of this beautiful momentum I was building up and I'm angry. But maybe that's what I need. Pretty much everything is going swimmingly except for my money situation. So maybe I had to put everything on pause so I can catch my money situation up to where everything else is; in which case, cool. But that's where I am.

It sucks because I won't be able to produce the content that I want to produce as far as videos go. But it's okay because next time I go back to South Carolina, I'll be completely self-sufficient. Period.